Cravings

I am writing this as I sit at the kitchen counter staring at the angel food cake. It is 10:38pm and way past the hour that I am supposed to eat. This summer I have had many vocal issues due to stomach problems and allergies. Being a singer, this can be especially frustrating. I have to be intentional about every bit of food I let into my body and avoid eating late at night. For someone who loves food, this is a struggle. I have failed so many times just because the hunger pangs are much louder than the reality of my consequences. I quickly forget that my decision could cause me to go hoarse for days with just a slip up of self control in my eating habits. Isn't it true for us spiritually? The cost of giving into our flesh can have such deep effects but when we are in the moment of temptation, it is so easy to give in. God is teaching me that there is power in discipline and self-control. It is so clear and easy to understand but hard to apply: eat bad food or eat late at night and lose your ability to sing with ease. Yet time and time again I am tested and fail miserably! I put myself through so much misery just because I choose to let the flesh rule my decisions! BUT when I choose to say no to my cravings, I am able to sing freely and worship freely!! When we say no to our flesh's cravings and yes to our Spiritual health, we are given tremendous power, freedom, and ability. We are able to accomplish great things through the Spirit that could never be attained while bound to the flesh. Yes, of course God can use me in other ways without my voice... But my voice was given to me for a reason and purpose... What sorrow it would be to not experience my purpose because of my disregard to apply the truth.  It is up to us to decide how much reign we will give the Holy Spirit in our lives. Are we going to live in freedom, purity, and joy, with authority over the flesh and knowledge that we are fulfilling our true purpose? Or will we remain wayward, confused, and crippled by the flesh? Spirit move in me and strengthen my spirit. Give me discipline to apply your truth. Help me to burn off the things of my flesh and teach me to crave YOU instead!

A little post on big prayers...

"Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24

I cannot even begin to express the extent of miracles God has worked this week through expectant hearts. I have seen so many posts of medical miracles, experienced answered prayers for rain (which we received in abundance), and experienced little miracles throughout the week due to people praying with an expectant heart. So many times we are told to pray like this, "God, if it is your will to heal, let it be done." While it is so important to surrender to His will, I sometimes think we use this prayer as a cop-out because we are afraid to ask expectantly. I truly believe God desires stretch our faith much more than that. He says, "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him." (Mark 11:23 ESV). He wants to shake things up, and He moves when we pray but it is up to us to let go of ourselves and our worldly mindset to let Him shake things up! He wants us to know the power of the Holy Spirit within us and the joy of knowing His heart for us! May we start approaching the throne both with reverence and boldness! Pray with expectation. 

Motorcycle Driveby

"I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive!"

These lyrics are the anthem of my summer! Okay, I know the song is packed with all kinds of break-up emotions, but let's be honest.. Life comes with hurts! Although the aches I feel do not coincide with the entire song (or a breakup/romance for that matter haha) I do like its depiction of life's bittersweet reality. Wrestling with aches and joys, God keeps reminding me that HE came to give me abundant life. He is the Good Shepherd and sacrifices just so I may know His love for me. "Summertime and the wind is blowing outside in lower Chelsea and I don't know what I'm doing in the city, the sun is always in my eyes... I go home to the coast it starts to rain I paddle out on the water alone, taste the salt and taste the pain... Summer dies, its swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave darkly coming to take me home." Life comes with confusion. Even when we feel like we have defeated a battle, the taste of pain can still well up when we least expect it. It's these moments I am learning to cherish. These occasions when I am sitting on the seas, trying to enjoy the breeze and view but with a salty taste hanging on my tongue. The bittersweet reminds me how I desperately need my Good Shepherd to fill me, lead me, and give me His life, His joy, His love! These moments of heartache are contrasted by the Healer. Confusion opposed by adventure. Dark skies pierced by starlight. Bitter tastes redeemed by sweet sunsets. Loneliness excluded by finding refuge in The Father.

"And there's this burning, just like there's always been. I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive!"  If there is one thing I have learned, it is that I want to keep burning. Even though it may be painful and grueling, I don't want to just survive life numbly... I WANT to LIVE. I want to be fueled by life's challenges. I pray that the deeper my pain, the higher my love for The Lord. The greater my void, the more freedom I experience. Help me to feel and burn Lord!!! I don't want to just be content, I want to thrive! May I be so filled and overflowing with You!!! Open my eyes so that I may trust You and know You more! 

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep... I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me." (John 10:10, 11, 14 NLT)

Revisions

So I deleted my prior post on holiness. It is not that what I posted was wrong but I felt like my intentions of posting were, and that is just as bad (if not worse). At the time I posted I really felt like it was the right thing and that I should not shy away from speaking truth. But even though I spoke about the importance of surrender and intimacy with Christ, it felt like the least vulnerable post I have ever written. So here is my revision...

The past year has actually been a year of revisions, a year of letting God break and mold... repeatedly! What He has shown me over and over again is that His presence is something to be sought after! No matter what I am feeling or going through, it is so important for me to open up and let Him work in my mess. Instead of waiting to feel Him, He longs for me to seek Him. He hides himself within these beautiful moments of surrender and with each part of me that I let go, He fills and manifests Himself- not only that- He reveals more of my identity! He has made me a songwriter, a voice of truth, and I have learned to love Him so hard! I have never felt so alive! Though I face times of great brokenness, insecurity, confusion, and sheer chaos, I have never laughed so hard, smiled so wide, and felt so well in my soul! 

So here is where we get vulnerable.... (I am cringing while posting because I do not want to share haha). Where is God working on my heart currently? Where has the surrender begun? I would say a combination of things but one of them being trust... Trusting God is actually something I have improved tremendously on, but trusting people is a whole other story. God has been widening my heart, showing me that actually failing to trust the people he has placed in my life is actually failing to trust Him. And though I act like I have this tremendous trust for God, there is much fear from various wounds of betrayal that have accumulated over time and wedged between. So God is waking up the sleeping foot once again, and showing me that He has not made me to hide in Him, sheltered from the risks of the world... But rather, He wants to manifest Himself in me, put me on display, and show me a life of fullness... He has made me to shine. 

 

Why Valentine's Day doesn't make me vomit...

As a woman who struggles with being completely satisfied in Christ alone, I must confess something that has occurred lately... There has been a trend of people reminding me of how awesome my future husband is going to be and how excited they are for that day to come. I know these comments are kind, well meaning, and true... BUT it can be tempting to look forward instead of being satisfied with where my feet are currently placed. We often become so fixated on life's "next best" step that we forget to enjoy the now. We have conformed to a culture of constant motion that has caused us to overlook resting in God alone. God challenged me a couple weeks ago to climb a tree (I love climbing trees) on the middle of campus and to sit completely still- clearing my mind of everything... Even stopping the urge to fill the awkward silence with prayer. He was challenging me to let His presence be my satisfaction. All of me wanted to take pictures of how the tree branches wove through the sky, or how the sun made the bark glow, but God's request was loud and clear- be still. I probably only lasted about five minutes before I started moving around again. What I keep realizing is that when it comes to our hearts, we often neglect absorbing the stillness. It feels awkward and out of place and is much easier to find something or someone to pursue. We have forgotten to tend to our hearts in such a way that causes us to be relentless pursuers of God instead of a Godly relationship. There is definitely beauty in a Godly relationship but I have found in my own struggle that often times even the pursuit of a godly relationship (not even the act of being in one) becomes more of a focus and even obsession than the pursuit of God Himself.

"You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you." - Isaiah 26:3

This past Valentine's day was probably the greatest Valentine's day I have ever experienced! Yes, it is possible for a single woman to enjoy Valentine's day and not let it be a barf-fest, a “forever alone” wallowing day, or "singles awareness day"... The purpose of Valentine's day is to celebrate love and affection. I have learned that love is a choice. That even on our worst days we have to decide whether or not we are going to grab a hold of God's love and let Him be our source. On Valentine's day I chose to grab a hold of God's love and asked that he would draw me closer to Him singing Steffany Frizzell's “Closer” lyrics, “Pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper, I wanna know your heart, I wanna know your heart. Cause your love is so much sweeter than anything I've tasted, I wanna know your heart, I wanna know your heart.” The entire day felt so special as I basked in the love of Christ and celebrated the fact that he allows us to share in loving one another. Whether it be through the stars in the night sky, or the words in a movie script, God's love was breaking into my heart again. By the end of the day I was a basket case, completely overwhelmed by the depth of love God shares with us and how often we overlook it. 

Valentine's day will always hold a special place in my heart because of Him who created love and loved me first! He fills my awkward silences, takes me on adventures, asks me to make a fool of myself, makes me laugh uncontrollably, and desires to be my one and only. While loving God through the journeys, joys, stillness, struggles, and sacrifices, I am learning that, “there's no place I would rather be than here in your love” (Will Reagan, Set A Fire). Be still, my friends, soak up every bit of where He has placed your feet currently and let HIM be your pursuit! 

I'm glad Santa is not our Savior

I am so glad that Santa is not our Saviour. Do not get me wrong, I love Santa. He exhibits perfection and beauty. He is filled with a jolly spirit, always smiling. He has the perfect rosy cheeks and button nose. He has this silky soft beard, sparkling eyes, and a captivating charisma. Our best behavior occurs when we are around him or when we speak about him because he keeps records of our wrongs. I now realize that we do not know much about Santa's character. We know he is a nice man, he gives gifts to those who are good, and he likes milk and cookies... But as much as I want to be a good person, and as much as I seek holiness, I am still an imperfect and broken human being. I do not know what constitutes as good in Santa's book, because although I would like to think of myself as a good person, I have definitely made- and continue to make mistakes. I am broken and hurting, but Santa only seems to be interested in what gifts I want and if I have been good. I cannot tell him when I have messed up or when I am hurting... After all, I only see him once a year and he is too busy to write back. Santa, what I really need this year, is for a cure for a broken heart. For strength and a lifting of my burdens... But as sweet as you are, you have only used band aids to fix what only stiches can heal...

Christmas 2013 had ended up a complete disaster- the car ride consisted of nothing but bickering between the family. Everyone was stressed out and frustrated with each other. We got to the cabin after sundown on Christmas Eve to find out our cabin heater was broken, so we had no running water, and had to sleep on the floor next to the fire, wearing six layers of clothes. Christmas morning, the water worked but the heater was not still working well and the propane was running out. We tried to close up the cabin as quickly as possible and book a hotel so we would have time to ski but the water took too long to drain. What looked like a cute, relaxing getaway, was in reality a complete mess. We were quickly reminded of the Christmas Eve message we heard the previous night...

"But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish. In the former time he brought into contempt the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the latter time he has made glorious the way of the sea, the land beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations. The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy; they rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest, as they are glad when they divide the spoil. For the yoke of his burden, and the staff for his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor, you have broken as on the day of Midian. For every boot of the tramping warrior in battle tumult and every garment rolled in blood will be burned as fuel for the fire. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this." (Isaiah 9:1-7 ESV)

We attended probably one of the most incredible Christmas services in my 21 years that night. The pastor spoke about how this year has especially been a hard year across the board for everyone. We live in darkness and are burdened by so many things, filled with deep anguish, loss, and brokenness. Tears started streaming down my face as I remembered the year I had, experiencing a lot of transition, with losing friends, heartbreak, a dear friend passing away, suffering persecution as a ministry. I did experience an abundance of God's glory and blessings through it all, but by the end of this year, I felt tired. I had fought so hard this year to keep pursuing The Lord, but I had reached a place of exhaustion. The pastor went on to say that our reality is that we are a fragile people- not capable of holding ourselves up for eternity. We try to busy ourselves by ignoring the reality of our brokenness.. But the reality is that we are a hurting people. Jesus did not come on a magnificent sleigh with eight magical reindeer, with a beautiful red coat, and material gifts to temporarily fix our hurts. He humbled himself to a child, born upon itchy straw, in a cold stable that smelled of manure. He was born into a mess, to take on the mess, so we wouldn't have to be defined by our mess. He experienced the darkness of the world and chose to take it upon his shoulders. The hope we have is that God chose to enter into OUR mess and take our burdens upon himself, he walks BESIDE us. But he cannot help us until we realize we need his help, until we recognize our brokenness and look to him for everlasting life. There IS a path out of this mess. The reason we long for the Christmas story is because of the weight of our own sin, loss, and anguish. Jesus wants to enter into our dark places. He longs for our desperation for Him, He longs to be our Emmanuel, God With Us, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. So instead of writing a Christmas letter about how awesome my Christmas has been or my year has been, I am going to be honest, and say both have been a complete wreck... Yet extremely glorious. Jesus has stepped into my broken mess over and over again. He has been my comfort, my companion, my fortress, my peace, my home, my joy, and my healer. There is no shame in brokenness, because he longs to be our Emmanuel. So I am glad Santa is not my Saviour... because the King of Kings did not come for the perfect, he came to rescue the broken! Merry Christmas everyone! Peace be with you! 

a message of hope (with a lowercase "h")

Introductions

I guess it is only appropriate to begin my first blog post by introducing myself. My name is Hope Wentz (with a capital H). For the past 8 or so months, I have faced a season of spiritual refinement. Many cycles of brokenness and restoration have led me to incredible encounters with the Lord as well as trials. I do not plan for this refining to finish any time soon and pray that it remains continual throughout my lifetime. This blog will reflect my journey through my mountains and valleys in life, and the hope of Christ that has proved faithful throughout.

A Message of hope (with a lowercase "h")

On November 10th, I was plagued by thoughts of anxiety, hurt, and stress. Finals week was approaching, family members were hurting, and I felt like every time I was able to get my head about the water, another rip current swept me beneath the waves once again. I felt the Lord tugging at my heart throughout the day but chose to ignore his affections. I clung tightly to my own worries instead of exchanging them for His peace. He kept whispering, "hope remains." God did not speak of my name, Hope, but expressed HIS hope- the hope unseen, an anchor for our soul, the one that does not disappoint. I continued to ignore His voice. While driving home, a glorious sunset illuminated the sky. This magnificence seemed too glorious to belong to this world. Clouds layered the sky with dark purple, bright orange, and pink colors. The colors actually became richer as the sun faded. Clearer than ever, He whispered, "hope remains." This message of a painted sky pleaded for me to refocus on the kingdom. The hope of God's promises would surely sustain me. I continued home. I knew I needed to spend time with my Abba Father but felt helpless on where to start. I began to pray and felt led to open a book I had not read in a couple of months titled, "As Silver Refined" by Kay Arthur. I flipped pages and finally came to the chapter I left off at titled, "A Message of Hope". "Wow God! So you really do speak to us? I can really hear you?" The chapter highlighted a verse I had come across the previous day from Lamentations 3:21-24,

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' " 

Just as refreshing as a sunset on a stressful day, were the Lord's affections for me. They drew me out of myself and into a mind set on above again. Taking me from a place of gripped fists and self consumption to one of arms high, heart bowed, knees bent, and peace restored. I share these glimpses into my life not to share about Hope Wentz (with a capital H), but to point to the hope of Christ- my portion, my peace, and my assurance. 

Prayer: God, I claim you as my peace, my portion, and my hope! I choose to let go of my own worries and accept the hope of glory you have literally shone over my life. Thank you for assuring me even when I choose to believe for satan's lies. I love you Lord!