Light Break Forth

Hello, Hello! I cannot believe it has been over a year since I last wrote... anyways, I am as Switchfoot would sing, "Learning to breathe, learning to fly" in my new home of DFW. About 8 months ago I had the honor of recording some of my heart's sounds with the college ministry I was apart of prior to my "big" move. This was an INCREDIBLE experience crafting the songs with some of my best friends and having the opportunity to release these sounds with our church family and community. Despite all the beautiful things God did, I wrestled with self-frustration when the work was finished. I was not able to hear or see the true beauty of what God did because I was buried and blinded by insecurity and a perfectionist mindset.

As the Lord has been graciously unwinding this perfectionist mentality, I have been discovering more of the unfiltered beauty He has planted within me to share with the world. I have been digging up treasures of freedom and uncovering new mercies. My eyes are beginning to focus in on His thoughts alone rather than struggling in my own whirlpool of doubt and fear. I have been realizing that some of the most beautiful sounds and moments are those which cannot be rehearsed or planned; those that are the pure product of heart-practice :) I am learning to wear His freedom and take this boldness into my internship, conversations, and just silly moments driving alone in my car!

While driving home from Thanksgiving break I felt His Spirit prompt me to listen to the CD that had been collecting dust in my glove box for several months entitled, "Light Break Forth." My heart felt His presence of peace and joy as I heard the album for the first time in months with a completely new set of ears (or more accurately - a renewed mind). I felt beauty. Raw, real beauty. I felt beautiful. Not because of anything I did, but because of His truths that I was able to freely receive. This work is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, it is a story of freedom! Of course, the artist in me is now finding ways to craft more of these songs, but no longer out of a need for perfection- now out of a deepened understanding of the Father's heart and from a new landscape of freedom.

I dreamt a couple of nights ago of a woman speaking to me about my process. To keep in mind that blooming into who He has made me to be is a lifelong process. We are already perfected by the grace of God. So we do not have to be frustrated with ourselves for any reason, all we have to do is fix our eyes on Jesus. When we do this, HE will chisel away at our hearts and craft us to shine more of His image. See, HE is the CREATOR. And I think He enjoys crafting us the way that I love to craft songs. How annoying would it be if my songs just reached out of the page and grabbed my hands saying, "Sorry, but we are done here. I am as good as they get." 1 John 1:8 says, "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." Verse 10 goes on to say, "If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us." So when we realize how messed up and imperfect we are, this is actually the first step to freedom and also an indicator of His truth IN US! We are faulty humans and that is why we need Christ to fill in the gaps and hold us together to behold His glory. Even better, He gives us new eyes to see the beauty that our imperfection makes when joined by trust to Him.

I am so thankful for the Lord and His unending mercies! Thankful that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17)!

Fear Not

God has been working on my heart for months now on the issue of fear. I felt led to share what He spoke a few weeks back. “You need to start trusting and believing that in your weakness, I MOVE. You have this false idea which will wreck your confidence in the Holy Spirit, that if things go wrong that it was not of me. Do not bow to doubt. You need to be a weak worshiper. We can have a big, rocking, worship service, but I would rather have your whole heart. You have to start TREASURING imperfection and seeing me in it.” 

Overcoming fear hinges on so many different factors. One of them is learning to fear the Lord; Learning to have an extreme awe and veneration towards Him that causes our worldly fears to bow. We have got to learn to let go, relax, and abandon our fears if we are going to possess the promise set before us. Did you know the phrase “Fear not” is mentioned 331 times in the bible? This seems to be a pretty common struggle that has lasted for ages. When we learn to convince our whole self that HE is our shield and HE is our reward, our fears begin to fall away. But the enemy will keep trying to poison our hope with fear. If he cannot get us to fear in one area, he will try for another. 

Lately, mine has been my worship leading. I guess it is easier for me to trust in God’s promise because I fully know that there is no way it can unfold without God’s anointing… I easily doubt myself and my own abilities because I am aware that I am flawed and weak… but where I go wrong is in forgetting that GOD is strong in our weakness… so much so that I deny the anointing He has placed on my life and decide that there is no way He can move when I mess up. That’s definitely putting God in a box: 1) by denying His power 2) by denying His grace. The enemy was not able to get me to operate in fear when it comes to some big future decisions in my life, so he gave up on that and went for my worship leading, which is directly related to the promise! I have had so many times in the last few weeks where I have felt a huge weight of doubt after a worship set… God speaks to me every time but I still deny His words and wrestle with doubt. 

While studying fear, I realized many times before saying, “Fear not,” the Lord often speaks, “Shalom” or “Peace be to you.” Safety, wellness, joy, welfare, rest, and wholeness be unto you. He is telling us not to fear because He has our best interest in mind. It is in fearing HIM and having faith that we learn His safety, wellness, joy, welfare, rest, and wholeness. PERFECT love casts OUT all fear. So if we are fearing something, that is an indication that we are not letting God’s love be perfected in us in some area. As we learn to fear Him (to be in awe, or revere), our earthly fears fall, and we learn His peace and perfect love.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (Romans 15:13 ESV)

What is real?

Something to chew on... In philosophy today we discussed Plato's idea that some things contain more reality than others. For example, material things actually contain less reality because they waste away. Whereas a mathematical truth like 2+2=4, has no tangibility (no way to smell, feel, touch, taste, or hear) BUT is more real because it will always stand true no matter what... Could it be then that our theory for needing to "see to believe" may be a giant fluke? We trust in mathematics and through them, have made all kinds of progress and incredible things but though we can still use math to create, math is still not physically tangible... I think Plato was onto something... I think Christ is as real as it gets, more real than a mathematical truth. He IS the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). I think he tried so hard to outline this for us because he knew we would come up with separate ideas of what is "the way" and what is "truth". He knew that since He is in everything and since He is truth, that when we really sought truth, we would find him. I cannot explain how a mathematical equation can have such a realness, but I can't argue it because it is true and will stand no matter what I throw at it. So when I buckle down and dissect, all I can find is Christ- all powerful, all knowing, all true, everlasting. Thanks God for being in everything, for being more real than anything I've ever known.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the INFINITE  value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ." Phillipians 3:8

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Do I dare hope in Him?

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD. And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline: (Lamentations 3:21-27 NLT)

Do I dare hope in Him? Do I dare trust and wait? This is an ongoing decision I have to make every day. He IS faithful to His promises and SO good to us!! This is so easy to lose sight of in the face of opposition. Lately I have felt like I am in a process of deep healing and waiting on the Lord. It is so easy to get impatient and either take matters into my own hands or give up on His promises altogether. But God is teaching me, all over again, the beauty in the process. He is showing me, step by step, to let Him be my motivation. "It's okay to not have it altogether Hope! That's why I'm here, to hold you together. I am strong in your weakness." He keeps proving the when, "Have I not been good and faithful to you? What makes you think that would change?"... But the when has still not arrived! So I rest in His unchanging love. I cuddle up next to His strong arm. As I learn to wait, I learn to embrace my Father. I learn to trust Him as He takes me deeper. I learn to hope in Him like I have never hoped before. I learn to call Him with desperation, "Yes, you came when I called; you told me, 'Do not fear.'" (Lamentations 3:57 NLT). I am letting go more and more and letting him take me to a place where faith has no limit. Where faith is full and infinite. Each day, the challenge is renewed. The question is asked, "Will you dare to hope in me?" No amount of opposition can compare to the greatness and power of His love. It is vital  that we hold onto the promises He gives rather than the losses. We must let our hope in Him heal every hurt and lift every burden. He is all around, speaking life and promise into us constantly. Let His voice be what moves you, not the voice of opposition... In the end, The Light of the World wins! 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. (Revelation 21:3-7 ESV)

Why do you fear? I am in everything.

I am still trying to soak in all I experienced last week. One of the words I was given was, "Why do you fear? I am in EVERYTHING." It is amazing how just a speck of fear can keep us from our true callings and witnessing the fullness of His glory. Colossians 1:17 says, "He goes before all things and in Him all things hold together." Why do we ever doubt when He is with us, all around us and in our midst?! I think it is because we get so focused on our hurt or weakness that we forget about HIS sovereignty and power. 

Coming back, I realized how fear kept me from walking in the FULLNESS of who God called me to be. I had held tightly to so many wounds that I began giving up on prayer, forgiveness, and confrontation. Even though He had created me to be a voice of truth, I stopped speaking. I became so frustrated that I lost my joy and started letting hurt dictate my attitude. It was "my right" to be upset and hurt. I became so accustomed to letting fear rule me that I didn't even notice that I had let satan disarm me of my power and potential. 

I realize that freedom is found in reckless abandonment. The more I empty myself of my own rights and fears, I actually find freedom and joy in my true identity. With this revelation, satan's attacks now seem like ants beneath my feet instead of the mountains they once felt like. Satan will no longer have the upper hand. No matter what it takes, what sacrifices I have to make, what offenses I may cause, what relationships I may lose, I will no longer stand by silently as the enemy steals, kills, and destroys. I will pray in FULL faith and expectancy, I will forgive REPEATEDLY, and I will SPEAK when God asks. It is my JOY to fight for the kingdom no matter the cost!!

When we start to live in full-out faith, we begin to gain the Father's heart and see Him in everything. We find a freedom sweeter than what words could ever hold. Our heart breaks instead of grows bitter. We begin to see the gold in others instead of their mistakes. We start to do the unthinkable and witness God's miracles. We become living, breathing vessels of His healing, forgiveness, and LIFE. 

Thank you, Jesus for gracing me with your truth. Thank you for restoring my faith and identity and allowing me to be your voice. May my faith be FULL and propelled by a holy excitement. May my trust truly have no borders or limits! May my eyes behold the truth of your constant presence! It's time to shine!! 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Attitude Check

It is often our first reaction when trials hit to worry... Or at least mine! I try to think of everything I can do to keep things in order. Every safeguard I can set up to ensure that my walls stand. The truth is that God HAS to be my foundation of strength. I have nothing without Him. 

I often doubt Him and His ability to heal, redeem, or restore. I question His character and ask why He would allow something bad to happen to me when I am trying so hard to follow Him. I begin feeling sorry for myself and the issues I have to endure.

What's funny is that I get so focused on myself that I forget about Him. I forget that He is sovereign, faithful, good, and glorious. I forget that he endured the cross so that His grace and glory could be revealed to mankind. I forget that as I endure, I am learning to suffer as He did and should take joy in knowing His glory is on the way. Just like Christ's resurrection from the dead, God WILL resurrect my current trial into something more glorious than I could ever fathom. If I begin to operate in a mindset of joy and expectancy as opposed to worry and doubt, my eyes will be opened to His grace and power being revealed. It may not be as timely as I would prefer, but he is strengthening my faith and purifying my attitude. He is showing me how to trust Him deeper and love Him better... So that my heart will be attuned to His voice when He speaks, "My blessing and grace are coming, my Spirit is resting upon you, my life is being glorified through you, I am constant and will not fail you." 

Thank you, God, for your incredible grace and awesome glory! Thank you for letting me be a recipient of both! Thank you for showing me that while I thought I was under great trial, I am actually being held in your great favor and grace! 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Concerning this salvation, the prophets who prophesied about the grace that was to be yours searched and inquired carefully, inquiring what person or time the Spirit of Christ in them was indicating when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the subsequent glories. It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves but you, in the things that have now been announced to you through those who preached the good news to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven, things into which angels long to look. Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; for “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.” And this word is the good news that was preached to you. (1 Peter 1:3-25 ESV)

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And “If the righteous is scarcely saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. (1 Peter 4:12-19 ESV)

Cravings

I am writing this as I sit at the kitchen counter staring at the angel food cake. It is 10:38pm and way past the hour that I am supposed to eat. This summer I have had many vocal issues due to stomach problems and allergies. Being a singer, this can be especially frustrating. I have to be intentional about every bit of food I let into my body and avoid eating late at night. For someone who loves food, this is a struggle. I have failed so many times just because the hunger pangs are much louder than the reality of my consequences. I quickly forget that my decision could cause me to go hoarse for days with just a slip up of self control in my eating habits. Isn't it true for us spiritually? The cost of giving into our flesh can have such deep effects but when we are in the moment of temptation, it is so easy to give in. God is teaching me that there is power in discipline and self-control. It is so clear and easy to understand but hard to apply: eat bad food or eat late at night and lose your ability to sing with ease. Yet time and time again I am tested and fail miserably! I put myself through so much misery just because I choose to let the flesh rule my decisions! BUT when I choose to say no to my cravings, I am able to sing freely and worship freely!! When we say no to our flesh's cravings and yes to our Spiritual health, we are given tremendous power, freedom, and ability. We are able to accomplish great things through the Spirit that could never be attained while bound to the flesh. Yes, of course God can use me in other ways without my voice... But my voice was given to me for a reason and purpose... What sorrow it would be to not experience my purpose because of my disregard to apply the truth.  It is up to us to decide how much reign we will give the Holy Spirit in our lives. Are we going to live in freedom, purity, and joy, with authority over the flesh and knowledge that we are fulfilling our true purpose? Or will we remain wayward, confused, and crippled by the flesh? Spirit move in me and strengthen my spirit. Give me discipline to apply your truth. Help me to burn off the things of my flesh and teach me to crave YOU instead!